He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
