my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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