I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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