look no pants
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
