Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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