alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
