I just made out with a guy for $7.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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