Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
