I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
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