I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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