He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the day after is always just damage control
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
