Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
