I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
