I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
