If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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