This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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