but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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