i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You were trust falling into bushes
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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