The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
