i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
