i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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