just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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