Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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