Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
