Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
