dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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