if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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