I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
