is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
