What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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