I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
