I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
