I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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