I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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