New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
