Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
