remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
