my phone needs a breathalizer
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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