I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
