I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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