I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
