This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
