Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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