saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
