Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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