I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
