dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
