I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
