he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
