dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Someone came in the potted fern
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
