We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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