I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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