If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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