gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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