Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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